Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Smells like teen spirit
Aaron called me from the work the other day because he smelled like shit! Literally smelled of shit. I am not kidding. I guess the phone was busy when he called so he also sent me an e-mail. I read his e-mail at the exact moment I was in the middle of leaving an answering machine message on Emily's phone. Emily is the lady who lives down the street with whom I carpool the kids back and forth to school with. I laughed really loudly and very abruptly in mid sentence. I am sure it was awkward for her to listen to and confusing because I was all "I can pick Samuel up from hahahahaha, ummm.. sorry, I can get Samuel from school today." She might think I do drugs because I always have messy hair in the morning, am still wearing my pajamas, and reek of morning breath whenever she comes to get my kids. Also, she makes me nervous because she appears to be so perfect and put together. I always end up saying weird and random stuff to her. Is that the way drug addicts behave? Anyway, never again will I talk on the phone while reading e-mails.
Back to Aaron, his message was short and sweet "I smell like shit. Many people have commented on this at work today. I think either the dog or Amelia peed or pooped on my work pants. Please arrange to bring me some clothes." Embarrassing, too funny for words, and completely Bizarre. Two questions popped into my mind
1. How did he not notice a poo smell upon putting the clothes on ?
2. How could the dog or Amelia projectilely shit on clothing hanging up in his closet?
After an afternoon filled with phone tag we never got a hold of each other. He wore shit clothes all day and he was neither pleased nor happy when he returned home from work that evening. . He immediately changed and showered. He forced me to smell the clothes. I did not smell shit. It was perplexing. The night while we were both lying in bed reading, he turned in my general direction to ask me a question. That's when I smelled it. It was terrible!
"I smell it! It's you! It's not the clothes!"
This did not make him happy. Because no one wants to hear that they smell shit. Especially a grown man!
"I'm positive it's your breath!" What did you eat today!!!!!? It's really, really terrible. I recommend downing some mouth wash."
My comments did not go over well. HE was pissed! Not only that but he insisted that I was joking. He thinks that everything I say is meant to be a joke. This was no joke. The shit smell was coming from his mouth. So gross and so funny!
This happened a couple of weeks ago and he still strongly believes that Amelia some how pooped on his pants, which I believe to be a much more disgusting explanation then burrito breath. Also, wouldn't there be a stain along with the smell. It jsut doesn't make sense! I have recommend that he no longer eat the breakfast burritos prepared in the cafeteria at his work. He still thinks I am kidding and will routinely sniff his clothing before putting them on in the morning. I don't think he will ever live this one down!
Back to Aaron, his message was short and sweet "I smell like shit. Many people have commented on this at work today. I think either the dog or Amelia peed or pooped on my work pants. Please arrange to bring me some clothes." Embarrassing, too funny for words, and completely Bizarre. Two questions popped into my mind
1. How did he not notice a poo smell upon putting the clothes on ?
2. How could the dog or Amelia projectilely shit on clothing hanging up in his closet?
After an afternoon filled with phone tag we never got a hold of each other. He wore shit clothes all day and he was neither pleased nor happy when he returned home from work that evening. . He immediately changed and showered. He forced me to smell the clothes. I did not smell shit. It was perplexing. The night while we were both lying in bed reading, he turned in my general direction to ask me a question. That's when I smelled it. It was terrible!
"I smell it! It's you! It's not the clothes!"
This did not make him happy. Because no one wants to hear that they smell shit. Especially a grown man!
"I'm positive it's your breath!" What did you eat today!!!!!? It's really, really terrible. I recommend downing some mouth wash."
My comments did not go over well. HE was pissed! Not only that but he insisted that I was joking. He thinks that everything I say is meant to be a joke. This was no joke. The shit smell was coming from his mouth. So gross and so funny!
This happened a couple of weeks ago and he still strongly believes that Amelia some how pooped on his pants, which I believe to be a much more disgusting explanation then burrito breath. Also, wouldn't there be a stain along with the smell. It jsut doesn't make sense! I have recommend that he no longer eat the breakfast burritos prepared in the cafeteria at his work. He still thinks I am kidding and will routinely sniff his clothing before putting them on in the morning. I don't think he will ever live this one down!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
29 things
Today is my birthday! I think turning 29 might be worse then turning thirty. On your thirtieth people know better then to be all "wow your getting old!" When you're 29 everyone is all "you'll never be 20 again, now your really getting up there, Enjoy your very last year of being young!" Sometimes people are assholes, including me! I am totally guilty of doing the very same thing! I am actually okay with the death of my twenties. I am happy with where I am and who I am and look forward to the knowledge and maturity that age brings me! In celebration of my birthday here is a long and senseless list of 29 things you may or may not know about me.
1. I am the youngest of three. My brother Roger is 32 and my sister Michelle is 30. It disturbs me to realize that my parents must've had a lot of sex to pop out that many babies in such a short amount of time.
2. I have always believed that I would die young (morbid I know)
3. When I was 15 I worked at a home for elderly nuns and one of them tried to make out with me, it was one of the most appalling moments of my life. In her defense she suffered from Alzheimer's and was highly delusional
4. I am insanely afraid of birds especially crows all as a result of a very traumatic bird incident that involved a bird dying a bloody death on a table at a Mexican restaurant I was eating at with my family. I think I was about 5 or 6 at the time. The bird flew in through an open door and tried to escape through the glass window near our table only to break its neck and land twitching on our food.
5. I shared a bag of mushrooms with a friend at the prom and spent half an hour in the bathroom laughing at the way the water was coming out of the faucet, as a result I got water stains all over my pretty dress and looked stupid the rest of the night.
6. I was the only girl who knew how to skateboard in elementary school.
7. I was on the tennis team at my catholic high school
8. My all time favorite meal is chili topped with cheese and sour cream
9. No matter how hard I try I can;t stop biting my nails
10. I didn't start eating breakfast until I was in my twenties
11. My parents were the kind of parents that were never home so I was free to do basically whatever I wanted.
12. I think my so called life, arrested development, and pushing daisies are the greatest television shows ever created
13. I love poetry
14. I dream of moving back to my hometown, western springs, and raising my family there. Aaron hates Chicago so it'll never happen!
15. My original hair color is a disgusting dishwater color
16. My first boyfriend in junior high broke up with me for being a prude
17. I used to be a Phish fan and at the age of 18 followed them across the west coast in a conversion van with 8 other people. Riding along with me was the first boy that ever broke my heart. He ignored me basically the entire trip.
18. I have always kept a dairy or a journal and have stacks of them dating back form the time I was 8 years old.
19. I think my husband is the most adorable man I have ever seen. The first time I ever saw him was through a car window. My sister pointed him out to me and said "that's Aaron Braun; I think you two would get along." A few months later I was introduced to him through a friend and we have been together ever since
20. Nothing pisses me off more then being called sweetie or honey
21. I have an overactive imagination that gets in the way of my life
22. My dog has one freakishly long nipple that I would like to get removed but fear that I will look completely shallow if I take my dog to the vet for a boob job.
23. my bedroom is always filthy
24. At Christmas my wrapping paper has to be color coordinating. If someone sends a wrapped gift I have to rewrap it so that it matches my color scheme
25. Platypuses and dogs are my favorite animals
26. As a kid I wanted to be a waitress when I grew up because I believed in dreaming big! I actaully also wanted to be either an actress or an artist
27. If I have a hard time falling asleep at night instead of counting sheep, I pretend that I have 10 wishes that have been granted to me by a tiny wizard. I usually fall asleep by the time I get to the third or fourth wish.
28. I have a hard time trusting people that drive overpriced cars.
29. I never wear lipstick because my lips are too thin
1. I am the youngest of three. My brother Roger is 32 and my sister Michelle is 30. It disturbs me to realize that my parents must've had a lot of sex to pop out that many babies in such a short amount of time.
2. I have always believed that I would die young (morbid I know)
3. When I was 15 I worked at a home for elderly nuns and one of them tried to make out with me, it was one of the most appalling moments of my life. In her defense she suffered from Alzheimer's and was highly delusional
4. I am insanely afraid of birds especially crows all as a result of a very traumatic bird incident that involved a bird dying a bloody death on a table at a Mexican restaurant I was eating at with my family. I think I was about 5 or 6 at the time. The bird flew in through an open door and tried to escape through the glass window near our table only to break its neck and land twitching on our food.
5. I shared a bag of mushrooms with a friend at the prom and spent half an hour in the bathroom laughing at the way the water was coming out of the faucet, as a result I got water stains all over my pretty dress and looked stupid the rest of the night.
6. I was the only girl who knew how to skateboard in elementary school.
7. I was on the tennis team at my catholic high school
8. My all time favorite meal is chili topped with cheese and sour cream
9. No matter how hard I try I can;t stop biting my nails
10. I didn't start eating breakfast until I was in my twenties
11. My parents were the kind of parents that were never home so I was free to do basically whatever I wanted.
12. I think my so called life, arrested development, and pushing daisies are the greatest television shows ever created
13. I love poetry
14. I dream of moving back to my hometown, western springs, and raising my family there. Aaron hates Chicago so it'll never happen!
15. My original hair color is a disgusting dishwater color
16. My first boyfriend in junior high broke up with me for being a prude
17. I used to be a Phish fan and at the age of 18 followed them across the west coast in a conversion van with 8 other people. Riding along with me was the first boy that ever broke my heart. He ignored me basically the entire trip.
18. I have always kept a dairy or a journal and have stacks of them dating back form the time I was 8 years old.
19. I think my husband is the most adorable man I have ever seen. The first time I ever saw him was through a car window. My sister pointed him out to me and said "that's Aaron Braun; I think you two would get along." A few months later I was introduced to him through a friend and we have been together ever since
20. Nothing pisses me off more then being called sweetie or honey
21. I have an overactive imagination that gets in the way of my life
22. My dog has one freakishly long nipple that I would like to get removed but fear that I will look completely shallow if I take my dog to the vet for a boob job.
23. my bedroom is always filthy
24. At Christmas my wrapping paper has to be color coordinating. If someone sends a wrapped gift I have to rewrap it so that it matches my color scheme
25. Platypuses and dogs are my favorite animals
26. As a kid I wanted to be a waitress when I grew up because I believed in dreaming big! I actaully also wanted to be either an actress or an artist
27. If I have a hard time falling asleep at night instead of counting sheep, I pretend that I have 10 wishes that have been granted to me by a tiny wizard. I usually fall asleep by the time I get to the third or fourth wish.
28. I have a hard time trusting people that drive overpriced cars.
29. I never wear lipstick because my lips are too thin
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Make believe camping
Over the summer Aaron reserved a camping spot at san elijo for us to spend the weekend before Christmas frolicking on the beach and making s'mores. He forgot that we have spent the last nine years of our lives living in southern California and that 50 degree weather is freezing cold weather to us now. Needless to say we did not sleep there. We did however lug all of our camping crap there and proceeded to pretend like we were camping. Here are some photo's:
That's sand on her butt not poo!
Christmas time in SoCal
Friday, December 14, 2007
Ankle arms
Amelia has decided that she no longer has the need for elbows. Their very existence causes her an overwhelming amount of stress. We avoid using the word elbow at all costs!
Just a few days ago, after Andrew finished his mound of homework, I treated the kids with a pay per-view movie. While Amelia was balanced quite freakishly on my knees she noticed them, and by them I mean the elbows. I think their sharpness is was what put her off. She kept touching them and making a dissatisfied face.
"I don't want these!' she declared
"You don't want what?" I asked
"These!" She said looking at me as if I were the biggest idiot she had ever had the misfortune of dealing with
"Your arms?" I asked
"Nooooo!" she said getting annoyed "These, my… my… ankles."
The boys being the boys that they are, and getting immense pleasure out of anything hilarious and outlandish, of course found the idea of Amelia thinking her elbows were ankles endlessly hilarious. It was a little funny...at first!
"Her ankles!" Jacob yelped. "Amelia has feet for arms and arms for feet! She's a weirdo! Maybe she's from space. "Andrew, Amelia is from space! She has ankle arms!'
I thought he would pee himself by the way he was carrying on and on about how funny that was. Who needs a $3 pay per view movie when you can be entertained by a sister with ankle arms?
Amelia was not laughing, nothing about her ankles were funny! She was actually bitterly sobbing over their existence.
"Those are your elbows Amelia. Ankles are down here." I said pointing down to were her ankles really are
"I don't want elbows, get rid of them!"
"Everyone has elbows Amelia; you need them to move your arm."
"Get rid of them momeeee, I don't want them"
This is when I realized that no reasonable explanation was going to do. Clearly I was dealing with an ankle armed outer space child. For the next two hours she would randomly check if her elbows were still there. She would slowly inch her fingers in their direction and finally touch them. Upon realizing that they had not gone anywhere she would completely lose it.
"They are still here!" She would shout in total dismay "take them off me!"
Finally I came up with the genius idea of putting her in long sleeves. After pulling the shirt down over her belly she did an elbow check.
"They're gone!' She shouted with such enthusiasm that you would of thought for sure that the most exciting and magical moment in her life had just occurred
"mommy my elbows went away."
I didn't dare explain that her elbows were hiding out under her sleeves because sometimes it's nice to have peace and quite!
Just a few days ago, after Andrew finished his mound of homework, I treated the kids with a pay per-view movie. While Amelia was balanced quite freakishly on my knees she noticed them, and by them I mean the elbows. I think their sharpness is was what put her off. She kept touching them and making a dissatisfied face.
"I don't want these!' she declared
"You don't want what?" I asked
"These!" She said looking at me as if I were the biggest idiot she had ever had the misfortune of dealing with
"Your arms?" I asked
"Nooooo!" she said getting annoyed "These, my… my… ankles."
The boys being the boys that they are, and getting immense pleasure out of anything hilarious and outlandish, of course found the idea of Amelia thinking her elbows were ankles endlessly hilarious. It was a little funny...at first!
"Her ankles!" Jacob yelped. "Amelia has feet for arms and arms for feet! She's a weirdo! Maybe she's from space. "Andrew, Amelia is from space! She has ankle arms!'
I thought he would pee himself by the way he was carrying on and on about how funny that was. Who needs a $3 pay per view movie when you can be entertained by a sister with ankle arms?
Amelia was not laughing, nothing about her ankles were funny! She was actually bitterly sobbing over their existence.
"Those are your elbows Amelia. Ankles are down here." I said pointing down to were her ankles really are
"I don't want elbows, get rid of them!"
"Everyone has elbows Amelia; you need them to move your arm."
"Get rid of them momeeee, I don't want them"
This is when I realized that no reasonable explanation was going to do. Clearly I was dealing with an ankle armed outer space child. For the next two hours she would randomly check if her elbows were still there. She would slowly inch her fingers in their direction and finally touch them. Upon realizing that they had not gone anywhere she would completely lose it.
"They are still here!" She would shout in total dismay "take them off me!"
Finally I came up with the genius idea of putting her in long sleeves. After pulling the shirt down over her belly she did an elbow check.
"They're gone!' She shouted with such enthusiasm that you would of thought for sure that the most exciting and magical moment in her life had just occurred
"mommy my elbows went away."
I didn't dare explain that her elbows were hiding out under her sleeves because sometimes it's nice to have peace and quite!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Why the Braun's avoid boomers like the plague
Last weekend Aaron and I had the genius idea of taking the kids miniature golfing because nothing says love like miniature golf, that and we enjoy torturing ourselves.
Jake, being the highly competitive kid that he is, decided to get a hole in one, and then another one, and then just to really rub it in, one last hole in one. For an instant I was sure that Andrew might completely lose it and start going king Kong style right there at the kid friendly amusement land of family spending. I thought for sure he would start swinging his golf club around while banging his fists against his chest and topple the entire fake wooden city that is shabbily constructed on hole 6. That's how intense the laser beams of anger that he was aiming at Jacob were.
I had a flashback of 8 year old me at the bowling alley with my sister. My sister always consistently kicked my ass at bolwing. She managed to effortlessly and elegantly throw strikes. I always awkwardly rolled my ball toward the gutter. The only way I avoided the gutter was to completely humiliate myself by doing the granny roll between my legs with my butt in the air. Michelle had this obnoxious taunting dance she would do after each strike that involved a hip wiggle and a little hand jive. It took every ounce of will power for me not to chuck the ball at her freckled face. Oh, sibling rivalry how I miss thee.
My sister was always better at everything then me, she made the pom pom squad when I was unable to do even a cartwheel, she got a 4.0 in high school, she was 1st
singles on the tennis team while I was 3rd and lets not even discuss her massive boobs that developed in junior high while I resembled a little boy. I so understand Andrew's agony and was quietly hoping he would make a comeback that involved his own long drawn out victory dance. That comeback never came. As a result instead of experiencing the boomers commercial of smiles and giggles ours was a wretched, angry, and whiny round of miniature golf.
Aside from the hole in ones, miniature golf proved to be extremely frustrating for Amelia. In fact, Amelia lost it completely after Andrew's ball dared to knock hers out of position. Oh the agony! Her reaction was monumental. She didn't throw a simple fit, oh no, this was a spectacle full of sobs and those little gasp of air that people do when they are really upset. To make it even that more memorable, she did a little face dive onto the synthetic green stuff while kicking and banging her fists. It was quite the magnificent display.
Being the inappropriate parents that we sometimes are, and knowing that really there is no use in getting all uptight in these situations, Aaron and I laughed so hard that we had tears rolling down our cheeks. We were paralyzed with laughter for a good five minutes while the nice woman with her well behaved kid waited patiently for us to move on, their mouths gaping open, in utter astonishment at the circus that is our family.
Amelias little fits of outrage continued for the rest of our miserable game. I am certain that the story of our family's miniature golf experience will be retold during the thanksgiving dinner of the poor woman and her well mannered kid stuck behind us.
On the car ride home, Jake, after going on and on about how awesome he is at golf asked if we could come again in two weeks for his birthday. I don't think there is enough valium in the world for me to go through another boomers trip.
Jake, being the highly competitive kid that he is, decided to get a hole in one, and then another one, and then just to really rub it in, one last hole in one. For an instant I was sure that Andrew might completely lose it and start going king Kong style right there at the kid friendly amusement land of family spending. I thought for sure he would start swinging his golf club around while banging his fists against his chest and topple the entire fake wooden city that is shabbily constructed on hole 6. That's how intense the laser beams of anger that he was aiming at Jacob were.
I had a flashback of 8 year old me at the bowling alley with my sister. My sister always consistently kicked my ass at bolwing. She managed to effortlessly and elegantly throw strikes. I always awkwardly rolled my ball toward the gutter. The only way I avoided the gutter was to completely humiliate myself by doing the granny roll between my legs with my butt in the air. Michelle had this obnoxious taunting dance she would do after each strike that involved a hip wiggle and a little hand jive. It took every ounce of will power for me not to chuck the ball at her freckled face. Oh, sibling rivalry how I miss thee.
My sister was always better at everything then me, she made the pom pom squad when I was unable to do even a cartwheel, she got a 4.0 in high school, she was 1st
singles on the tennis team while I was 3rd and lets not even discuss her massive boobs that developed in junior high while I resembled a little boy. I so understand Andrew's agony and was quietly hoping he would make a comeback that involved his own long drawn out victory dance. That comeback never came. As a result instead of experiencing the boomers commercial of smiles and giggles ours was a wretched, angry, and whiny round of miniature golf.
Aside from the hole in ones, miniature golf proved to be extremely frustrating for Amelia. In fact, Amelia lost it completely after Andrew's ball dared to knock hers out of position. Oh the agony! Her reaction was monumental. She didn't throw a simple fit, oh no, this was a spectacle full of sobs and those little gasp of air that people do when they are really upset. To make it even that more memorable, she did a little face dive onto the synthetic green stuff while kicking and banging her fists. It was quite the magnificent display.
Being the inappropriate parents that we sometimes are, and knowing that really there is no use in getting all uptight in these situations, Aaron and I laughed so hard that we had tears rolling down our cheeks. We were paralyzed with laughter for a good five minutes while the nice woman with her well behaved kid waited patiently for us to move on, their mouths gaping open, in utter astonishment at the circus that is our family.
Amelias little fits of outrage continued for the rest of our miserable game. I am certain that the story of our family's miniature golf experience will be retold during the thanksgiving dinner of the poor woman and her well mannered kid stuck behind us.
On the car ride home, Jake, after going on and on about how awesome he is at golf asked if we could come again in two weeks for his birthday. I don't think there is enough valium in the world for me to go through another boomers trip.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)