Today is my birthday! I think turning 29 might be worse then turning thirty. On your thirtieth people know better then to be all "wow your getting old!" When you're 29 everyone is all "you'll never be 20 again, now your really getting up there, Enjoy your very last year of being young!" Sometimes people are assholes, including me! I am totally guilty of doing the very same thing! I am actually okay with the death of my twenties. I am happy with where I am and who I am and look forward to the knowledge and maturity that age brings me! In celebration of my birthday here is a long and senseless list of 29 things you may or may not know about me.
1. I am the youngest of three. My brother Roger is 32 and my sister Michelle is 30. It disturbs me to realize that my parents must've had a lot of sex to pop out that many babies in such a short amount of time.
2. I have always believed that I would die young (morbid I know)
3. When I was 15 I worked at a home for elderly nuns and one of them tried to make out with me, it was one of the most appalling moments of my life. In her defense she suffered from Alzheimer's and was highly delusional
4. I am insanely afraid of birds especially crows all as a result of a very traumatic bird incident that involved a bird dying a bloody death on a table at a Mexican restaurant I was eating at with my family. I think I was about 5 or 6 at the time. The bird flew in through an open door and tried to escape through the glass window near our table only to break its neck and land twitching on our food.
5. I shared a bag of mushrooms with a friend at the prom and spent half an hour in the bathroom laughing at the way the water was coming out of the faucet, as a result I got water stains all over my pretty dress and looked stupid the rest of the night.
6. I was the only girl who knew how to skateboard in elementary school.
7. I was on the tennis team at my catholic high school
8. My all time favorite meal is chili topped with cheese and sour cream
9. No matter how hard I try I can;t stop biting my nails
10. I didn't start eating breakfast until I was in my twenties
11. My parents were the kind of parents that were never home so I was free to do basically whatever I wanted.
12. I think my so called life, arrested development, and pushing daisies are the greatest television shows ever created
13. I love poetry
14. I dream of moving back to my hometown, western springs, and raising my family there. Aaron hates Chicago so it'll never happen!
15. My original hair color is a disgusting dishwater color
16. My first boyfriend in junior high broke up with me for being a prude
17. I used to be a Phish fan and at the age of 18 followed them across the west coast in a conversion van with 8 other people. Riding along with me was the first boy that ever broke my heart. He ignored me basically the entire trip.
18. I have always kept a dairy or a journal and have stacks of them dating back form the time I was 8 years old.
19. I think my husband is the most adorable man I have ever seen. The first time I ever saw him was through a car window. My sister pointed him out to me and said "that's Aaron Braun; I think you two would get along." A few months later I was introduced to him through a friend and we have been together ever since
20. Nothing pisses me off more then being called sweetie or honey
21. I have an overactive imagination that gets in the way of my life
22. My dog has one freakishly long nipple that I would like to get removed but fear that I will look completely shallow if I take my dog to the vet for a boob job.
23. my bedroom is always filthy
24. At Christmas my wrapping paper has to be color coordinating. If someone sends a wrapped gift I have to rewrap it so that it matches my color scheme
25. Platypuses and dogs are my favorite animals
26. As a kid I wanted to be a waitress when I grew up because I believed in dreaming big! I actaully also wanted to be either an actress or an artist
27. If I have a hard time falling asleep at night instead of counting sheep, I pretend that I have 10 wishes that have been granted to me by a tiny wizard. I usually fall asleep by the time I get to the third or fourth wish.
28. I have a hard time trusting people that drive overpriced cars.
29. I never wear lipstick because my lips are too thin
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Make believe camping
Over the summer Aaron reserved a camping spot at san elijo for us to spend the weekend before Christmas frolicking on the beach and making s'mores. He forgot that we have spent the last nine years of our lives living in southern California and that 50 degree weather is freezing cold weather to us now. Needless to say we did not sleep there. We did however lug all of our camping crap there and proceeded to pretend like we were camping. Here are some photo's:
That's sand on her butt not poo!
Christmas time in SoCal
Friday, December 14, 2007
Ankle arms
Amelia has decided that she no longer has the need for elbows. Their very existence causes her an overwhelming amount of stress. We avoid using the word elbow at all costs!
Just a few days ago, after Andrew finished his mound of homework, I treated the kids with a pay per-view movie. While Amelia was balanced quite freakishly on my knees she noticed them, and by them I mean the elbows. I think their sharpness is was what put her off. She kept touching them and making a dissatisfied face.
"I don't want these!' she declared
"You don't want what?" I asked
"These!" She said looking at me as if I were the biggest idiot she had ever had the misfortune of dealing with
"Your arms?" I asked
"Nooooo!" she said getting annoyed "These, my… my… ankles."
The boys being the boys that they are, and getting immense pleasure out of anything hilarious and outlandish, of course found the idea of Amelia thinking her elbows were ankles endlessly hilarious. It was a little funny...at first!
"Her ankles!" Jacob yelped. "Amelia has feet for arms and arms for feet! She's a weirdo! Maybe she's from space. "Andrew, Amelia is from space! She has ankle arms!'
I thought he would pee himself by the way he was carrying on and on about how funny that was. Who needs a $3 pay per view movie when you can be entertained by a sister with ankle arms?
Amelia was not laughing, nothing about her ankles were funny! She was actually bitterly sobbing over their existence.
"Those are your elbows Amelia. Ankles are down here." I said pointing down to were her ankles really are
"I don't want elbows, get rid of them!"
"Everyone has elbows Amelia; you need them to move your arm."
"Get rid of them momeeee, I don't want them"
This is when I realized that no reasonable explanation was going to do. Clearly I was dealing with an ankle armed outer space child. For the next two hours she would randomly check if her elbows were still there. She would slowly inch her fingers in their direction and finally touch them. Upon realizing that they had not gone anywhere she would completely lose it.
"They are still here!" She would shout in total dismay "take them off me!"
Finally I came up with the genius idea of putting her in long sleeves. After pulling the shirt down over her belly she did an elbow check.
"They're gone!' She shouted with such enthusiasm that you would of thought for sure that the most exciting and magical moment in her life had just occurred
"mommy my elbows went away."
I didn't dare explain that her elbows were hiding out under her sleeves because sometimes it's nice to have peace and quite!
Just a few days ago, after Andrew finished his mound of homework, I treated the kids with a pay per-view movie. While Amelia was balanced quite freakishly on my knees she noticed them, and by them I mean the elbows. I think their sharpness is was what put her off. She kept touching them and making a dissatisfied face.
"I don't want these!' she declared
"You don't want what?" I asked
"These!" She said looking at me as if I were the biggest idiot she had ever had the misfortune of dealing with
"Your arms?" I asked
"Nooooo!" she said getting annoyed "These, my… my… ankles."
The boys being the boys that they are, and getting immense pleasure out of anything hilarious and outlandish, of course found the idea of Amelia thinking her elbows were ankles endlessly hilarious. It was a little funny...at first!
"Her ankles!" Jacob yelped. "Amelia has feet for arms and arms for feet! She's a weirdo! Maybe she's from space. "Andrew, Amelia is from space! She has ankle arms!'
I thought he would pee himself by the way he was carrying on and on about how funny that was. Who needs a $3 pay per view movie when you can be entertained by a sister with ankle arms?
Amelia was not laughing, nothing about her ankles were funny! She was actually bitterly sobbing over their existence.
"Those are your elbows Amelia. Ankles are down here." I said pointing down to were her ankles really are
"I don't want elbows, get rid of them!"
"Everyone has elbows Amelia; you need them to move your arm."
"Get rid of them momeeee, I don't want them"
This is when I realized that no reasonable explanation was going to do. Clearly I was dealing with an ankle armed outer space child. For the next two hours she would randomly check if her elbows were still there. She would slowly inch her fingers in their direction and finally touch them. Upon realizing that they had not gone anywhere she would completely lose it.
"They are still here!" She would shout in total dismay "take them off me!"
Finally I came up with the genius idea of putting her in long sleeves. After pulling the shirt down over her belly she did an elbow check.
"They're gone!' She shouted with such enthusiasm that you would of thought for sure that the most exciting and magical moment in her life had just occurred
"mommy my elbows went away."
I didn't dare explain that her elbows were hiding out under her sleeves because sometimes it's nice to have peace and quite!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Why the Braun's avoid boomers like the plague
Last weekend Aaron and I had the genius idea of taking the kids miniature golfing because nothing says love like miniature golf, that and we enjoy torturing ourselves.
Jake, being the highly competitive kid that he is, decided to get a hole in one, and then another one, and then just to really rub it in, one last hole in one. For an instant I was sure that Andrew might completely lose it and start going king Kong style right there at the kid friendly amusement land of family spending. I thought for sure he would start swinging his golf club around while banging his fists against his chest and topple the entire fake wooden city that is shabbily constructed on hole 6. That's how intense the laser beams of anger that he was aiming at Jacob were.
I had a flashback of 8 year old me at the bowling alley with my sister. My sister always consistently kicked my ass at bolwing. She managed to effortlessly and elegantly throw strikes. I always awkwardly rolled my ball toward the gutter. The only way I avoided the gutter was to completely humiliate myself by doing the granny roll between my legs with my butt in the air. Michelle had this obnoxious taunting dance she would do after each strike that involved a hip wiggle and a little hand jive. It took every ounce of will power for me not to chuck the ball at her freckled face. Oh, sibling rivalry how I miss thee.
My sister was always better at everything then me, she made the pom pom squad when I was unable to do even a cartwheel, she got a 4.0 in high school, she was 1st
singles on the tennis team while I was 3rd and lets not even discuss her massive boobs that developed in junior high while I resembled a little boy. I so understand Andrew's agony and was quietly hoping he would make a comeback that involved his own long drawn out victory dance. That comeback never came. As a result instead of experiencing the boomers commercial of smiles and giggles ours was a wretched, angry, and whiny round of miniature golf.
Aside from the hole in ones, miniature golf proved to be extremely frustrating for Amelia. In fact, Amelia lost it completely after Andrew's ball dared to knock hers out of position. Oh the agony! Her reaction was monumental. She didn't throw a simple fit, oh no, this was a spectacle full of sobs and those little gasp of air that people do when they are really upset. To make it even that more memorable, she did a little face dive onto the synthetic green stuff while kicking and banging her fists. It was quite the magnificent display.
Being the inappropriate parents that we sometimes are, and knowing that really there is no use in getting all uptight in these situations, Aaron and I laughed so hard that we had tears rolling down our cheeks. We were paralyzed with laughter for a good five minutes while the nice woman with her well behaved kid waited patiently for us to move on, their mouths gaping open, in utter astonishment at the circus that is our family.
Amelias little fits of outrage continued for the rest of our miserable game. I am certain that the story of our family's miniature golf experience will be retold during the thanksgiving dinner of the poor woman and her well mannered kid stuck behind us.
On the car ride home, Jake, after going on and on about how awesome he is at golf asked if we could come again in two weeks for his birthday. I don't think there is enough valium in the world for me to go through another boomers trip.
Jake, being the highly competitive kid that he is, decided to get a hole in one, and then another one, and then just to really rub it in, one last hole in one. For an instant I was sure that Andrew might completely lose it and start going king Kong style right there at the kid friendly amusement land of family spending. I thought for sure he would start swinging his golf club around while banging his fists against his chest and topple the entire fake wooden city that is shabbily constructed on hole 6. That's how intense the laser beams of anger that he was aiming at Jacob were.
I had a flashback of 8 year old me at the bowling alley with my sister. My sister always consistently kicked my ass at bolwing. She managed to effortlessly and elegantly throw strikes. I always awkwardly rolled my ball toward the gutter. The only way I avoided the gutter was to completely humiliate myself by doing the granny roll between my legs with my butt in the air. Michelle had this obnoxious taunting dance she would do after each strike that involved a hip wiggle and a little hand jive. It took every ounce of will power for me not to chuck the ball at her freckled face. Oh, sibling rivalry how I miss thee.
My sister was always better at everything then me, she made the pom pom squad when I was unable to do even a cartwheel, she got a 4.0 in high school, she was 1st
singles on the tennis team while I was 3rd and lets not even discuss her massive boobs that developed in junior high while I resembled a little boy. I so understand Andrew's agony and was quietly hoping he would make a comeback that involved his own long drawn out victory dance. That comeback never came. As a result instead of experiencing the boomers commercial of smiles and giggles ours was a wretched, angry, and whiny round of miniature golf.
Aside from the hole in ones, miniature golf proved to be extremely frustrating for Amelia. In fact, Amelia lost it completely after Andrew's ball dared to knock hers out of position. Oh the agony! Her reaction was monumental. She didn't throw a simple fit, oh no, this was a spectacle full of sobs and those little gasp of air that people do when they are really upset. To make it even that more memorable, she did a little face dive onto the synthetic green stuff while kicking and banging her fists. It was quite the magnificent display.
Being the inappropriate parents that we sometimes are, and knowing that really there is no use in getting all uptight in these situations, Aaron and I laughed so hard that we had tears rolling down our cheeks. We were paralyzed with laughter for a good five minutes while the nice woman with her well behaved kid waited patiently for us to move on, their mouths gaping open, in utter astonishment at the circus that is our family.
Amelias little fits of outrage continued for the rest of our miserable game. I am certain that the story of our family's miniature golf experience will be retold during the thanksgiving dinner of the poor woman and her well mannered kid stuck behind us.
On the car ride home, Jake, after going on and on about how awesome he is at golf asked if we could come again in two weeks for his birthday. I don't think there is enough valium in the world for me to go through another boomers trip.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
The Bully
This year Andrew is in a combined class with third and fouth graders. I was under the impression that it would be really great for him. I thought that he could be competitive with some older kids while at the same time soak in some of their lessons. Little did I know that the fourth grade class would have a kid with the personality of Gargamel (the evil villain from the smurfs whose goal in life is to destroy them!).
He takes immense pleasure out of making Andrew's life as miserable as possible. I have actually witnessed it first hand and it took all of my will power not to revert to a ten year old and call him poo head. He makes fun of Andrew's voice, the way he eats his lunch, how he plays sports, the cartoons he watches, his book reports, and lots of other random ridiculous things. It has gotten so bad that Andrew doesn't even want to go to school. He panics every morning before we go to school and pleads with me over the most mundane things
"Mom, don't put salad in my lunch, Paul will make fun of me!", "Paul says that I don't know how to talk and that I sound like a baby!", "Paul is going to make fun of the book I read for my book report!"
I wouldn't be surprised if bully kid mocked Andrew's intake of oxygen. The kid is ruthless!
For the longest time I had no idea who bully kid was. I had never seen him. Finally last week I got to put the name with the face. I was shocked! He wears his shorts hiked up to his belly button and he is tiny. He is probably about the size of Jacob only a ton skinnier. Not only that but his face resembles a rat. I am not just saying that because he makes fun of my kid, he really does have a rat face. Regardless of what he says about Andrew if I saw him on the street and had no clue who he was I would think to myself "that kid would play a great rat in some theatrical production." When I pictured the bully I envisioned a big kid perhaps a freak of nature who was growing a mustache at age 9 not one that resembled Martin short .
After seeing the kid I wanted to tell Andrew to suck it up your bully is a dork. Even though there is a huge part of me that wishes my kid would hurl back some insults, clearly there is a ton he could say; I know that he should not stoop to that level. Instead I have encouraged Andrew to ignore him, to act as if he could care less about what this kid thinks about him and above all be nice to him. Chances are that bully kid has a miserable life. Someone must be really hurtful to him if he needs to take it out on Andrew. I explained to Andrew that Kids who are mean need the most love of all because there is always a reason for their meanness. I am hoping that this little road block in Andrew's life will help grow him as an even stronger little person. I hate seeing his self esteem so bruised by another kid. Maybe in the future when something similar happens to Jacob or Amelia I will be more prepared and better equipped to manage.
Martin Short:
Monday, October 8, 2007
Dear Amelia,
Last week you turned three. When I woke you up on your birthday and whispered in your ear "Happy birthday", you immediately wanted to know where your cake was and when you friends where coming over. Also you told me that you were a bumblebee. "Today is my birthday and I am a bumblebee". Apparently you have gotten your birthday confused with Halloween, because on Halloween you will be a bee.
For me it is hard to believe that you have only been a part of our lives for three short years. It seems as if you have always been here with your wide open smile and chubby hands. At my ultra sound when the technician announced that you were a girl I was uncertain how I would manage after all the dirt, toy cars, and star wars toys I had been surrounded by during the pervious 4 years. "Is it really a girl?" I asked skeptically.
You have developed into the most perfect balance of tom boy and girly girly I have yet to encounter. You are drawn to pretty things and baby dolls but prefer princess Leia to any of the Disney princesses. You choose Thomas the train over strawberry shortcake, and would rather pour tea for the boy's plush yoda and pokemon toys over your own pink and purple stuffed bears. I adore that about you. I have yet to meet another person so intent on being adored. You don't just expect the adoration of those around you, you demand it. After I help you get dressed in the morning you pull at the legs of your brother's pants and shout " look at my dress, look at my shoes, isn't my hair pretty?" They know better then to disagree.
I think your brothers adore you most of all. The other day you ran into the edge of the table and your lip bleed a little. Your brothers went into panic mode. They were much more upset over the whole incident then you were. Jacob was a basket case, he actually cried because he thought you were severely injured. Andrew hugged you so tight I was afraid he might squeeze the very life out of you. It took much convincing for the boys to take my word for it that we did not need to take you to the hospital.
Lately you have been very extreme in all that you do. There is no middle emotion when it comes to you. You are either overjoyed or in the pits of utter despair. When you sing you don't just sing you belt out your words at almost a shriek and shake your little booty will moving your fists. It's quite a spectacle. I am afraid that you may have my rhythm. You will shout "LET"S SING THE ABC"S!!!" I may be losing a portion of my hearing due to all your enthusiasm. When you first wake up in the morning, you waddle down to the kitchen and shout "I am awake!" while throwing your arms up in the air as if you had just returned from the longest journey of your very short life. A few weeks ago I brought you home a plastic play kitchen. Your reaction was so intense that one would think It was solid gold and lined with diamonds. You obsessively play with it everyday and greet it as if it is a member of the family. For awhile you were calling your kitchen your birthday. You would grab me by the wrist and say "mom, let's go play with my birthday." I think there is still much confusion over what exactly a birthday is.
As we head into the three's with you I hope you remain the little firecracker that you have always been. I am expecting you to keep it interesting. I am looking forward to more adventures, more loud rendentions of Old McDonald, and baking hundreds of imaginary cookies on your pretend kitchen. I couldn't be more happy or proud to have you as a daughter. I love you!
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The perks of parenting
It has been particularly insane around the Braun house for the last three weeks. I am still adjusting to the kids being back at school. It feels like I barely have a moment to myself. Andrew's dose of daily homework borders on child labor and trying to get Jake to sit down to complete a simple workbook page that he could do with his eyes closed is like pulling the tooth of a rabid giraffe. He does a lot of flailing around followed by heavy dramatic sighs about the injustice of being 6 years old. All the while Andrew sits Zen like at the kitchen table finishing his hundredth math problem.
In the last few weeks I have learned the necessity of adding art to everything school related for Jake. As long as I pull out the markers and say "let's draw a picture about this" he's into it. The art thing has actually worked wonders on his spelling ability. Last week it took him 4 days to learn his spelling words. This week it was only 2 days with the help of some crayon decorated flash cards. If only I knew this during the first two crucial weeks of school when I thought I might lose my mind entirely.
Apparently my kids are artistic, or so I was told at parent's night. I just about craped rainbows when Mr. Ash commented on how artistic Andrew and Jacob are. The joy that comment brought me borderd on insanity. It almost made up for the 15 minute humiliating public conversation about Jake's incessant thumb sucking and his odd habit of hiding under his desk when he doesn't feel like doing something. Due to a severe case of immaturity I almost laughed out loud at the very image of Jake hiding under his tiny desk thinking no one would notice a 40lb kid under there. A genius he is not. The only comment I could come up with was:
"wow…..our kid is weird."
I thought Aaron was also going to hide under a desk; that's how embarrassed he was. Later he told me to self edit. Note to self: when told your kid psychotically hides under desks come up with something more eloquent to say then "wow, weird!" I have a terrible habit of saying everything I think immediately without considering how dumb it sounds at the moment. Perhaps I have a mild case of Tourettes minus the swear words and mean comments (unless I have some booze in me). My brother's best friend growing up had tourettes and on a daily basis he called me Granny gray head fuckface until finally they medicated him and he decided to call me tinsel teeth instead. I actually preferred granny gray head fuckface because at least that had some originality.
Anyway, when we got home we spent a good half an hour discussing appropriate and inappropriate behavior with Jake and consequences along with drawing a list of family rules (because he is a visual kid). So hopefully the weird desk thing is behind us. I am sure he will pull some eqaully hysterical new stunts though. My kids sure do keep it interesting. I have a feeling this school year is going to have a lot of ups and downs.
In the last few weeks I have learned the necessity of adding art to everything school related for Jake. As long as I pull out the markers and say "let's draw a picture about this" he's into it. The art thing has actually worked wonders on his spelling ability. Last week it took him 4 days to learn his spelling words. This week it was only 2 days with the help of some crayon decorated flash cards. If only I knew this during the first two crucial weeks of school when I thought I might lose my mind entirely.
Apparently my kids are artistic, or so I was told at parent's night. I just about craped rainbows when Mr. Ash commented on how artistic Andrew and Jacob are. The joy that comment brought me borderd on insanity. It almost made up for the 15 minute humiliating public conversation about Jake's incessant thumb sucking and his odd habit of hiding under his desk when he doesn't feel like doing something. Due to a severe case of immaturity I almost laughed out loud at the very image of Jake hiding under his tiny desk thinking no one would notice a 40lb kid under there. A genius he is not. The only comment I could come up with was:
"wow…..our kid is weird."
I thought Aaron was also going to hide under a desk; that's how embarrassed he was. Later he told me to self edit. Note to self: when told your kid psychotically hides under desks come up with something more eloquent to say then "wow, weird!" I have a terrible habit of saying everything I think immediately without considering how dumb it sounds at the moment. Perhaps I have a mild case of Tourettes minus the swear words and mean comments (unless I have some booze in me). My brother's best friend growing up had tourettes and on a daily basis he called me Granny gray head fuckface until finally they medicated him and he decided to call me tinsel teeth instead. I actually preferred granny gray head fuckface because at least that had some originality.
Anyway, when we got home we spent a good half an hour discussing appropriate and inappropriate behavior with Jake and consequences along with drawing a list of family rules (because he is a visual kid). So hopefully the weird desk thing is behind us. I am sure he will pull some eqaully hysterical new stunts though. My kids sure do keep it interesting. I have a feeling this school year is going to have a lot of ups and downs.
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