Sean

My uncle Sean died on my birthday. I was oblivious to that fact until the next morning. My mom sent me an e-mail to announce his death. I never received it. She mentioned it the next morning over the phone while I was sitting in front of a Starbucks in Normal heights. I was waiting for Scott, the film writer at the Reader to show up. We were meeting to discuss a story collaboration. I was crying when he walked up. I don't like to cry publically. It makes me feel weak. It was humiliating. He handed me some napkins and said I looked like a raccoon because I had black smears of mascara under my eyes. He was trying to make me laugh. I did, a little.

Sean was in his 60s. He had been sick for a long time. Sean was my dad's older brother. I have been told that as a baby I would crawl into his lap and follow him around everywhere he went. He had a sharp wit and would laugh often. During my gawky adolescent years he lived with us. He would stick up for me when I came home with awful report cards or got in trouble at school.

In the last few years I have had dreams of my dad and Sean together. About a year ago I dreamt that the two of them were sitting together on a bench. Sean was wrapped in a blanket and my dad was studying x-ray images belonging to Sean. I'd like to believe that the dreams mean something. Maybe the two of them are together. I don't know if I believe that people hang out leisurely after death. I have always found that sentiment extremely naive. I remember someone, an aunt or an uncle, telling me after my dad died: "How nice it must be for your father to be with his parents." The thought enraged me. I'm not sure why.

I was able to write Sean a letter a few days before he died. My biggest regret with my dad was that I didn't tell him things I should've before he died. I tried to do that with Sean. I sent an e-mail to my aunt in Ireland, in which she printed up to bring to Sean in the hospital. She said he kept it where he could see it before he died. I am thankful for that.

Seven

Amelia,

Today you are seven years old. You are still super tiny so most people confuse you for a five year old. This gives me the false illusion that you are still little, but the truth is you are growing up. You have lots of solid opinions on things like what you want to wear, listen to on the radio, and what is cute and what is not (for instance black dresses are cute while pink one are not!).  I can no longer force you into wearing peasant shirts and stripped tights!

 This year you have begun to show some serious interest in music. Thankfully you are not a Beiber fan.  In the morning on the way to school you demand that I,“turn the music up louder!” You sing loudly and out of tune.  You love to have dance parties. Brielle, our neighbor, often joins us during our dance parties but only if we close and lock the door so the boys won’t see her. You, on the other hand have no shame. You will dance anywhere, and at any time even at the grocery store if a particularly good tune is being played. You’re partial to really horrible Kate Perry and Lady GaGa songs or anything with lots of bass.

Dad bought you a piano for your birthday which I told him was insane “God help the man that marries your daughter.” I told him. Clearly you are going to have some serious expectations.

You are obsessed with playing the piano. You play in the morning first thing, before going to bed and as soon as you come home from school. I thought you would get sick of it but you haven’t yet.

While you are growing up quickly, you still do completely adorable little kid things, like saying Vampowers instead of vampires, calling restaurants, resturnants, sneaking into our bedroom in the middle of the night when you’re scared, and calling the song eye of the tiger, I love tigers.

On your Birthday I let you stay home from school so the two of us could spend the day at SeaWorld. I told your teacher you were suffering from the birthday flu. She wasn’t amused. We had a great day together. A polar bear put his nose against the glass right were your face was. We went on a ride that soaked our clothes and watched walrus eating fish, and got splashed by killer whales. It’s so rare for me to get time with just you so I loved every second. On the car ride home you were all smiles and questions. You wanted to know if bees drank water and if my red was the same color as your red. I like that you are thinking about these kinds of things. I wonder what your 7th year will have in store for you.

Love,

Mom

12

Andrew gets BO and is developing arm pit hair. He rolls his eyes at me and is almost always embarrassed by my presence.

That's what it's like to be 12.

He says mom, with the m drawn out a way to make it clear that I am humiliating him. His moods are extreme and his room is always messy. It is clear that things will be rocky from here on out.

The silver lining? He still spills it all. He tells me stuff that most kids don't tell their mothers. Last week he told me that he almost always feels like his friends just don't get him. He also told me that he might want to someday marry the girl in his class who has nearly as many freckles as him.

This year he wanted grown up things for his Birthday--an iPod and iTunes gift cards, He has an affection for NOFX, the Eagles (tragically), and Kayne West, which may be the most bizarre music combination of all time. Also, he detests the Beastie Boys and anything sounding remotely similar to them.

Andrew wants to be a writer when he grows up which makes me irrationally giddy. He keeps stories in a green folder in his closet. He wrote a story about a lizard king that was pretty darn good. He inhales books the way I wish I had at his age.

I see an astounding amount of potential in him that I cannot wait to watch take shape. I am eagerly anticipating all the little adventures his life is going to take him on.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little man.

Amelia Birthday Letter #6

Dear Amelia,


I hate to admit this but at 6-years-old you are a far superior child then I was at your age.

Things you excel at:

1. Hula hooping- I have always wanted the ability to walk and hula hoop at the same time. I am 31 and still haven’t perfected the fine art of the hoop. However, you have. You can walk, talk, and perhaps even run all while balancing your fluorescent pink hula hoop effortless on your hips. It never ceases to amaze me.

2. Your bike riding skills- you learned how to ride at two-wheeler at the tender age four. The difference between the childhood me and you is that you are persistent. The day we taught you how to ride your bike was a day full of angry bursts of emotion and lots of tears but you insisted on learning and would not give up. This is embarrassing but I might as well admit it now, I did not learn how to ride a bike until I was seven; seven stinking years old. As you may have realized by now I am not a fan of exerting too much effort into things. Needless to say I really envy your ambitious spirit!

3. You love to learn. You want to know about everything. You are constantly asking me questions about the stars, the moon, clouds, why it rains, where the coldest place in the world is, and on and on. Lots of times I don't know the answer to these questions. When that happens you insist that I find out. I love that about it.

4. You like everyone. If someone is mean to you at school you insist that they were having a bad day and that tomorrow will be different. I find this aspect of your personality deeply wonderful. 

For your Birthday we went Apple picking in Julian. We had big plans to take you to Disneyland. Grandma was going to fly in from Florida for the occasion but then Great Grandpa died. Despite plans being changed you didn’t complain once. You were so mature about the whole thing. I’m proud of you for that.

Our Julian Apple picking day was so much fun because as always you were so very excited about the adventure. You loved having your own little white baggie to fill up and the overabundance of apples to choose from. You skipped up and down the tidy rows of apples looking for the best looking pieces of fruit.

Unfortunately at the end of our visit Grandpa Braun had the genius idea of shoving a wasp riden apple in your face. I am still unclear of the reasoning behind this but as always your Grandpa remains a mystery.  You were stung right in the middle of the forehead. You left the orchard in tears but made a quick recovery once someone mentioned that we would stop for some apple pie on the way home.

Things in your little world have changed a lot this year. You have moved on to the ever so grown up world of having a full day at school. You love it. You adore the idea of having homework and the round table you share with four other kids, you like the way the crayons are arranged according to color and the way Mrs. Krug allows you to be class leader once a month. When I told you that I spend a large chunk of my day missing you, in a very matter fact tone you told me “I don’t miss you while I’m at school.” This broke my heart a tiny bit and you must have noticed because you explained “Just because I don’t miss you doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” You are an old soul.

Sometimes I forget how little you are. You remind me with the cute things you do. For instance, while at the beach you often tell me how much you love “sea enemies,” when you mean sea anemones, or when you open the car door and shout “open Stephanie!” as opposed to open sesame, or my favorite, they way you still say crapping instead of clapping.

Little Miss Amelia, I am proud to be your mom and have loved watching you grow and evolve in to the little lady that I look forward to seeing every morning. I adore you more than you could ever fathom!

Love,

Your Mom

It's all thanks to two bags of shrooms

Aaron Will be 34  tomorrow.   I met him one week after his 23rd Birthday. 

I’d like to believe that I loved Aaron on the spot. All it took was a glance in his direction from across busy 19th street to know he was the one.

The events of our meting were absurd. I had stepped outside onto my doll sized porch to get some much needed space. My apartment was occupied by more than a handful of nineteen year-old girls who had ingested two bags of shrooms. It was the last day of K.U.’s spring semester. It was their way of celebrating the fact that they had made it through their first year at college. Half of them were convinced that they were melting into my floral sofa. As they giggled loudly about the bizarre tribal patterns forming over my dully painted white walls, I thumbed through my CD collection looking for something to tune them out.

My friend Kylie had brought them over. She was crashing at my apartment until the first of June. “They just need some place mellow to hang out for the day,” she reassured me. Kylie and I had unwittingly become their babysitters.

Kylie sat down next to me on the porch.

“Sorry about them,” she offered while tilting her head in the direction of the mushroom girls.

I shrugged. “At least they are entertaining.”

We both laughed.

We sat out there together escaping the madness for a good 15 minutes before Aaron made his entrance into my life. Kylie spotted him first; she had seen his signature blonde bowl cut from across the road. She squinted her eyes and said, “That’s my friend Aaron!” She waved madly until his gaze fell on the two of us. He smiled his dimpled smile and crossed the street. He gave Kylie a hug and sat on the wooden stairs at our feet. I can still picture the tan and brown stripped shirt he wore and the blood encrusted scab that was running up his left shin from a recnt mountain biking accident.

From the second he sat on my rickety, weather-worn steps he seemed familiar. Aaron felt like home. From the moment I meet him I felt more at ease then I ever had before. He stayed over most of the day and into the early evening. By 9’oclock I asked Kylie what his story was.

“Ohhhhh, “She said in a long drawn out way “My friend Star is super into him. She has liked him for months now. He’s kind of off limits. Besides, he’s kind of crazy and weirdly smart. He’s not your type at all.”

I didn’t care. I liked him.

Maybe if Kylie had not brought over a house full of her tripped out friends, or perhaps if I had sat on my front porch as opposed to my back one, or if Kylie had not been so adamant in making it clear that I was not to date Aaron, my life would have turned out all wrong. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if the chain of events from that day were different. I wonder if my life would be drastically altered. I have a feeling that  Aaron and I still would have meet, maybe in line at the grocery store, or at a random party filling up our keg cups at the very same moment. I am certain that Aaron is the person I was supposed to be with. Despite everything, despite how different we are and all the things that we have gone through, I wouldn't change a thing. I love Aaron today just as much as the nineteen year old me did sitting on the porch of my tiny yellow apartment. I am so glad he is my husband.

11

 Every year on my kid's birthdays I write them a letter.  When they turn 18 I plan on giving them their yearly letters.

                                           
                                                 Andrew's Birthday letter #11

Last week while sitting next to your friend Russ at your school's church service you leaned over and said to me,“Why do we have to sit with YOU! Why can’t we sit with Russ’s parents?” Then you proceeded to roll your eyes and cross your arms over your chest the same way I used to you when I was about your age. I am officially uncool. I arrogantly thought this day would never come. I believed you would always think I was cool. I am younger than the other parents. I don’t drive a minivan. I don’t listen to cheesy music like Celine Dion or country, and I sometimes allow you to watch inappropriate movies.

I guess it doesn’t matter. I am a mom, a figure of authority, therefore by default I am lame. I realize that I need to get used to your snubs. I need to grow thick skin and acknowledge that you are changing. Soon you will no longer be my little boy-child. Within a year or two, your voice will change, you will get taller and start sprouting arm pit hair. I can already see the changes. You are more independent and secure in your skin. I am thankful that you still let me in. At 11, you're still confiding in me. I hope that continues. I hope that at 16 you still trust me enough to tell me what is really going on in your life. I didn’t do that with my parents. By 14 I shut them out completely.

5th grade has been a good year for you. You joined the swim team and the basketball team, you have finally learned to keep a clean desk, and you have started spending a lot more time with your school friends. On the weekends you are almost always with Russ or Jordan. Also you have taken up the annoying habit of talking on the phone with your friends.

You have developed the greatest dead-pan sarcasm of any 11-year-old I had the pleasure of meeting. Nearly everything you say is dripping with cruel hilarity. This year it has gotten you into a bit of trouble. Your teacher doesn’t find you nearly as hysterical as your classmates do. Last week when a preschool student was forced to sit in an unoccupied desk in your classroom (your teacher is the principal of the school) for biting another student, you shouted to him “run for your life little man!” He got up from the desk and fled for the door. Your sarcasm was over his head. Mr. Walker was not pleased with you. I have had to have countless conversations with him over your humor. He is not a fan of what he refers to as your “constant need to distract the other students.” . I wish you would tone it down a bit.

It is insane that you only have 7 more years before college. It scares me to think that one day, not too far away, you will have your own life apart from us. I don’t even want to consider that.

This year you told me you saw the girl you were going to marry, a blonde brown-eyed girl from the neighborhood. You saw her once at the grocery store and again at the Awana youth group our neighbor brings you to. “Why don’t we have any pretty girls at my school?’ you wanted to know. I find this new interest in girls a little troubling. I am certain that it will get worse with age. Have I mentioned that I am so not prepared for you to grow up?

Happy Birthday Andrew.  I love you more than you could ever imagine.  

31 things

Today I am thirty-one. Here is a list of 31 useless, and self involved facts about me.

1. I recently lightened my hair and it looks really stupid

2. I also just got my hair cut and made the mistake of asking for bangs..they also look stupid.

3. My favorite pair of jeans where purchased at the thrift store for $12. I looked them up online and they retail for over $150. That is why I love thrifiting!

4. We spent my birthday eating at Islands, looking at real estate, eating spaghetti and cupcakes, and drinking almond champagne.

5. I really want to be a 1st grade teacher. I love kids way more than adults.

6. I really want a book deal.

7. I am going to Chicago in one month and cannot wait to see all the people I love madly. Sometimes I wish I still lived there.

8. I think Aaron is the greatest thing that ever happened to my life.

9. My boys are starting to get B.O and it really grosses me out.

10. In my opinion raising a girl is much harder then raising boys.

11. I always had low self-esteem so I try really hard to make sure Amelia thinks she is completely terrific and in the process i may have created a monster.

12. Sometimes I worry that other people think I am a terrible mother.

13. I'm really happy with the way my life turned out.

14. I miss my dad every single day and wonder if people think that I talk about him too much. You know how when people die everyone acts as if they were the most amazing person ever...well my dad really was amazing. He was the most beautiful person I have ever come across. He always managed to see the good in other people. I wish I was more like him

15. I can be extremely mean

16. If people talk badly about my family or friends I tend to cut them out of my lives. I am fiercely loyal to the people I love. I should probably chill out a little. I'm like a mafia member

17. I get really upset if anyone touches my knees. Weird I know.

18. I haven't been inside a haunted house since the third grade and do not plan on ever stepping foot in one again.

19. I am still a little afraid of the dark.

20. I hate that I am such a slob and wish I could more Martha Stewart like.

21. When I am depressed I shop. It can be a problem..

22. I think If I hadn't of had kids at such a young age my life would have ended up a complete disaster.

23. I am huge attention whore and really want to change that about myself.

24. My mom is the strongest woman I have ever met. I have so much respect for her.

25. I love living in Southern California.

26. My favorite Beatle is Ringo Starr

27. My least favorite Beatle is Paul McCarthy; despite not knowing him personally he may be my least favorite person to ever walk the earth.

28. I hate the word moist and think it should never be used unless describing yeast infections.

29. The only sport I play with the slightest bit of skill is tennis.

30. I am athletically inept

31. I am okay with getting older.

Kelly, Me,Shelby, and Molly out on the town celebrating our Birthdays(we all have January B-days except Molly)

Jacob Birthday letter #9

Dear Jacob,

You are officially nine years old. This year has been full of new things for you. For your Birthday you attended your first ever Chargers game with your Big brother, Dad, and Grandpa. It's was a guys day complete with tailgating and in the intake of entirely too much fried food. You deserved a man party; after all you are the only boy in the third grade. With the exception of Mr. Ash you are surrounded by girls 7 hours a day. I am certain that by the end of this year you will know more about women then your 32 year old father does!

I was worried about how this school year would affect you what with the absences of other little guys to hang out with. You seem to be doing really well. Your teacher adores you and you adore him. You get all sorts of special privileges. You always get to be a team captain during P.E and received the most coveted 3rd grade role in the school's Christmas pageant (you get say "will your Camels spit at us." I don’t get the hype but apparently all the kids wanted to have that line). The other day while I was in your classroom, the girls were discussing Hannah Montana; I saw you and Mr. Ash exchange anguished looks. It was priceless.

Your teacher set it up so that the 2nd and 1st graders have the same recess time as you. For a half an hour twice a day you get o play with the younger boys. They follow you around the playground and obey your every command. It's kind of cool, mostly because you are such a laid back little guy. You've never been one to take on a leadership role but this year you've been thrown into one. The younger kids adore you. Your confidence has really grown. I'm glad because sometimes I worry that you don't realize just how great you are! It's nice to see you so sure you of yourself.

I am so proud of you and happy to have you in my life. Every single day you make me smile. I hope that your ninth year will be the best one yet!

Love,
Mom

Amelia Birthday letter number 5

Amelia,
You are 5; five-years-old already. You told me that next year you will be 6 but after that you will not be 7, 8,or 9. You will stay six forever. You don't want to go to kindergarten or ever have homework like the boys. Instead you will be little forever. I am okay with the idea of you being small forever. My friend Jessica asked you if you have a magic pill for that sort of thing because she would like one. This annoyed you and you rolled your eyes at her as if to say "You are an idiot! I am the only one allowed to stay the same age forever because I am awesome, and you are not!"

The fact that you are the oldest kid in your preschool class makes you very happy. You like to rub it in. Last week you had two of your friends over and told them "Soon I will be five and you will still be 4!" I had to talk to you about kindness and bragging. Whenever I talk to you about these kind of things you make a face like this:

Right now your major interests include, play-doh, you have the ability to sit at the kitchen table fro hours playing with play-doh. You also love to make books. You have me staple white sheets of paper together and you draw pictures on every page. You dictate what you would like me to write on them. You love to ride your bike and think it's pretty rad that you are the only one in your class that can ride a two-wheeler. Lastly you love littlest pet shop toys. When you play with them you create little worlds for them with love and conflict. You are highly creative and I love that about you. You have a great imagination.

You have a small crush on a boy named Marco. He is in the second grade and has a full head of brown curls. You draw pictures for him and bravely, unabashedly give them to him. His face always turns bright red when you do this. You follow him around after school and wave at him. It's cute but has me a little concerned that you will be one of those girls that has posters of boy band members all over your room. I like the fact that you are brave about your crushes because I never was. I was always awkward and would stare down at the ground whenever I was in the presence of a boy I had a crush on. I like your confidence.

When I found out that I was having a girl I hoped most of all that I would do a good job in making sure you had confidence. As a kid I had terribly low self esteem. I even named you Amelia after Amelia Earhart who was a brave and strong woman. I think you are living up to your name. I am proud of your strength and confidence. I am so very blessed to have you in my life.

Happy Birthday Amelia!

Love,
mom

30 wonderful years on the planet Earth

I am old and okay with it…kind of.


Thirty things

1. I love shaving my legs
2. I never feel pretty
3. I think Chicago is the greatest city in The U.S.A
4. My absolute favorite candy is the Cadbury egg.
5. I think I have cute ears
6. I love ballet flats
7. If it were up to me I would drive an old 1970's muscle car
8. I have a celebrity crush on Simon barker
9. I think I lucked out when I found Aaron. He is amazing.
10. Whenever I see something on the side of a highway I automatically think it is a dead body...everytime
11. My new year’s resolution is to be nicer to humanity.
12. I tend to over share
13. I find it difficult trusting people that don’t laugh
14. I have always felt a little like an outcast and I like it that way
15. I really like my handwritting
16. I like to watch really trashy TV shows and Aaron makes me feel like the scum of the universe for it.
17. My favorite show is weeds, Aaron hates it!
18. I wish someone would pay me to write
19. I have a fish and I kind of neglect it
20. I wish I were a vegetarian
21. I hate coconut and raisins
22. I have zero self control
23. My mom treats me like I am 12
24. I was holding my dads hand when he died. It was heartbreaking and amazing all at once
25. I wish I could dance properly
26. I hate that my teeth are super tiny
27. As a kid instead of T.P ing people’s homes my friends and I would take bagels from the local bagel shops dumpster and bagel people houses. It was pretty hilarious and completely absurd!
28. I wish I were more like my dad.
29. Currently my favorite band is the shins
30. I think my friends are cooler then anyone else’s!

Jacob is 8

I managed to let your birthday slip by this year without my usual letter. SO my little man is 8 years old. Everyday you make me smile. You are my emotional child, and when I say emotional I mean that in the best way possible. You are no lump on a log. You a radiant source of energy. When you are happy you are very very happy and when you upset you are utterly outraged. I love that about it. It makes you real. I have loved sharing the last 8 years with you.

Seven

This is Jake's 7th birthday letter from me!

Jacob,

This week you turned seven; seven whole years old! It's unfathomable that my little man is not so little anymore. You requested a rip stick for your birthday. After attempting to ride it for a good thirty minutes you stomped inside red faced and outraged demanding that "We take it back to the store immediately!" Let me tell you how ecstatic your dad I were after shelling out the $80 bucks for your 30 minutes of rage. You'd think by now we'd have learned our lesson about the expensive birthday stuff. Dad and I have brains the size of walnuts.

Currently you are in first grade and take more pleasure then your average kid on turning your school work in before everyone else. During a recent visit to your classroom I witnessed the pure joy you receive upon completing an assignment first. You don't just hand it in, oh no, you yell very loud "done!" and high tail it up to your teachers desk as fast as you can so that your paper is the very first one in her hands. You then look around the room triumphantly as if to say to the other kids "in your face!" I don't think your teacher finds this insanely competitive action nearly as hilarious as I do. She lets out a little sigh and says "thank you Jacob." I think instead of that frustrating rip stick we should have bought you a big shiny silver bell for your desk that way you wouldn't have to waste all that energy shouting and running when you completed your work. A simple ring of the bell is all you would need to do!

You are a perfectionist through and through. You like things to be done correctly and efficiently. If you can't reach your idea of perfection your go to the ugly place! It must be frustrating for you to have me as a mother, as I am the queen of imperfection. I think that God has a terrific sense of humor about these things; some how we work together perfectly. I adore you so very much. You make me laugh daily. You're always smiling and have been that way since babyhood. You have an effortless way about you that works to your advantage when you weasel out of punishments. You have mastered the art of charm. You are your father's son, that's for sure! Like you Dad you go through phases of obsessing over things. At this moment you are into skateboarding. Every morning you rush through breakfast so that you can have time before Mrs. Love picks you up for school to squeeze in some skateboarding. Apart from the skateboarding you are oddly very much into the "hobby" of snowflake making. After dinner you get our big jug of coffee out of the cupboard and trace its outline on some blue paper. Neatly you cut it, fold it a few times, and begin carving little pieces out with your scissors. I have to say your Martha Stewart like love and commitment to snowflake making slightly disturbs your father but I chalk it up to creativity! I can't wait to see what other hobbies you pick up this year!

Even though you are seven you still love to cuddle. When I tuck you into bed at night you still hold on tight to my neck and tell me how much you love me. I cherish that moment everyday because I know that very soon you will be too old to do that. I love you so very much,

Mom

baby jake and daddy

Jake with baby Amelia

partners in crime

Amelia's Birthday letter #4

Amelia,
You are now officially 4 years old. When I woke you up the morning of your birthday and shouted happy birthday and asked how it felt to be four, you were not pleased. “Mommy, I am not four! At my party when we go to the park open presents and sing happy birthday I will be four. Today I am still three!” People telling you that you were 4 went on all day. This was a highly disappointing turn of events. Very tiresomely you had to explain to people how growing a year old worked. Clearly the rest of the world is clueless when it comes to birthdays! Over and over again you explained that you can only age during birthday parties and not until after the birthday song has been sung to you! I think people might be starting to get it! I imagine it must be tiresome to be surrounded by such ignorance. You have run into the same problem at preschool. Preschool, mostly has been an enormous blessing to you but has also proven to be a huge source of frustration. Oddly, your teacher, Mrs. Plagenz, seems to believe that sharing time occurs only on Mondays and Wednesdays. You know better. Sharing is everyday. Also, Ms. Plagenz says that you can only bring something in that starts with the letter of the week. Last week was E. When you insisted on bringing a bag of miss matched socks from the laundry room to share with your classroom, you were livid when I attempted to explain why that wasn’t happening. “Sock starts with S not E.” I explained. You were even madder when I explained the way sharing works. Ms. Plagenz is wrong you insisted. Besides, Ms. Plagenz loves socks. She always tells you how pretty yours are. She would love a bag of socks to be shared. After much persuasion and a lot of tears you agreed to leave the socks home until S became the letter of the week. Luckily you received many, many fairies as gifts. This weeks sharing may not be too terrible what with all the choices. We will see!

When people asked what you wanted for your Birthday this year, you told everyone the same thing: Barbie and Tinkerbelle stuff. It amazes me how grown up you are from last year. You didn’t even know what a Barbie was and now you have a whole group of then lining the bottom shelf of your book case (hopefully you will not have body issues as a result!).

On the car ride home from your party you said that was the best, best, birthday ever. You were so excited. It was one of those moments that I love. I love when you are your happiest. You have such an excitement about life. You remind me at times of your uncle Roger who is so full with happiness at any given moment he radiates a cheer that you can practically feel and breathe in. I love that you have that in you. It’s a contagious happiness that makes my life that much more interesting and amazing all because of you. I hope that excitement sticks with you your entire life. I hope when you are an adult you will get just as big of a kick out of seeing a butterfly or the cute tiny little ants in your back yard. Nothing is trivial to you. Everything is vivid.

This year you have started preschool. I don’t get to see you as much. This at times is hard for me because I love spending time with you. If given the option to stay home with me all day or go to school you would choose school. You absolutely love it. You love the puzzles, and the tiny little blue stool in the bathroom, the princess dresses, the stories your teacher reads, and most of all your friends. I am so happy that you have adjusted well. You tell me everything that goes on at school. You tell me about the songs you sing, the kid that got in trouble, and the funny little things your classmates did. I love hearing you excitingly spill every little detail from your day. The boys have always been so boy like when it comes to talking about what goes on when I am not with them. Being naturally nosey I love that you tell me about your day! You want me to know about the new pink shoes Hailey was wearing or the way Sophie pretended to be a Monster and you were her monster mommy. I like that you recite the songs you sang making up your own lyrics. Sometimes I wish I could magically keep you at this age forever. I love the sound of your voice and your tiny little hands. I love the way you giggle and even how dramatic you get at times. I am so happy to have you in my life. I can’t wait to see what other exciting moments this year has in store for you.
Love you always,
Mom

Nine

Nine
Andrew's birthday letter 9



Andrew,

You have turned nine years old. I feel like the next time I blink you will be as old as I am. This has been an extremely tough year for you. You have had to deal with bullies at school and the most insane amount of homework that I have seen placed upon a 3rd grader.

I have questioned my ability to parent you on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like I am failing you. It seems like there are all these things I should be saying and doing to nature and love you better but I can't seem to get it right. Mostly I feel like I am out of my league and so not equipped to parent a little man. That's what you are now, a little man.

You have become an independent thinker who feels more then I ever felt at nine. You're a leader and nothing close to being a follower. For nine you are way beyond your years.

I hope that I am doing things right. I love you so much that it literally hurts at times. Every time I pick you up from school and you are sad from something that happened during the day it breaks my hurt. I hate to see you sad. I think it is going to have to be a feeling that I will have to live with. Growing up is a messy affair filled with all of sorts of moments of happiness and sadness.

I have realized this year that I cannot protect you from the world. I naively thought that I could shield you from all things ugly but it's proved impossible. No matter how hard I try you will get hurt.

I have also learned that you are resilient and strong. You are one tough little guy. I have had to let go of you a little bit to let you be that person that you are going to become. You have realized this year that I am flawed. I have fallen from the mommy pedestal you once held me on. That's been hard for me but it needed to happen. It's all part of growing up. It is fun seeing your personality shift and shape. I think you're fantastic. I am proud of the boy your becoming! I am looking forward to seeing what this year holds for you.

Love,

Mom

Pictures through the years:

8 months old

First Halloween

Andrew 13 months old, We have the same facial expressions

Andrew, 2 years old

3 years old

age 4

First time you rode a two wheeler

First day of kindergarten age 5

With your oldest friends and brother

Age 6

Age 7

Age 8

Age 9

29 things

Today is my birthday! I think turning 29 might be worse then turning thirty. On your thirtieth people know better then to be all "wow your getting old!" When you're 29 everyone is all "you'll never be 20 again, now your really getting up there, Enjoy your very last year of being young!" Sometimes people are assholes, including me! I am totally guilty of doing the very same thing! I am actually okay with the death of my twenties. I am happy with where I am and who I am and look forward to the knowledge and maturity that age brings me! In celebration of my birthday here is a long and senseless list of 29 things you may or may not know about me.

1. I am the youngest of three. My brother Roger is 32 and my sister Michelle is 30. It disturbs me to realize that my parents must've had a lot of sex to pop out that many babies in such a short amount of time.

2. I have always believed that I would die young (morbid I know)

3. When I was 15 I worked at a home for elderly nuns and one of them tried to make out with me, it was one of the most appalling moments of my life. In her defense she suffered from Alzheimer's and was highly delusional

4. I am insanely afraid of birds especially crows all as a result of a very traumatic bird incident that involved a bird dying a bloody death on a table at a Mexican restaurant I was eating at with my family. I think I was about 5 or 6 at the time. The bird flew in through an open door and tried to escape through the glass window near our table only to break its neck and land twitching on our food.

5. I shared a bag of mushrooms with a friend at the prom and spent half an hour in the bathroom laughing at the way the water was coming out of the faucet, as a result I got water stains all over my pretty dress and looked stupid the rest of the night.

6. I was the only girl who knew how to skateboard in elementary school.

7. I was on the tennis team at my catholic high school

8. My all time favorite meal is chili topped with cheese and sour cream

9. No matter how hard I try I can;t stop biting my nails

10. I didn't start eating breakfast until I was in my twenties

11. My parents were the kind of parents that were never home so I was free to do basically whatever I wanted.

12. I think my so called life, arrested development, and pushing daisies are the greatest television shows ever created

13. I love poetry

14. I dream of moving back to my hometown, western springs, and raising my family there. Aaron hates Chicago so it'll never happen!

15. My original hair color is a disgusting dishwater color

16. My first boyfriend in junior high broke up with me for being a prude

17. I used to be a Phish fan and at the age of 18 followed them across the west coast in a conversion van with 8 other people. Riding along with me was the first boy that ever broke my heart. He ignored me basically the entire trip.

18. I have always kept a dairy or a journal and have stacks of them dating back form the time I was 8 years old.

19. I think my husband is the most adorable man I have ever seen. The first time I ever saw him was through a car window. My sister pointed him out to me and said "that's Aaron Braun; I think you two would get along." A few months later I was introduced to him through a friend and we have been together ever since

20. Nothing pisses me off more then being called sweetie or honey

21. I have an overactive imagination that gets in the way of my life

22. My dog has one freakishly long nipple that I would like to get removed but fear that I will look completely shallow if I take my dog to the vet for a boob job.

23. my bedroom is always filthy

24. At Christmas my wrapping paper has to be color coordinating. If someone sends a wrapped gift I have to rewrap it so that it matches my color scheme

25. Platypuses and dogs are my favorite animals

26. As a kid I wanted to be a waitress when I grew up because I believed in dreaming big! I actaully also wanted to be either an actress or an artist

27. If I have a hard time falling asleep at night instead of counting sheep, I pretend that I have 10 wishes that have been granted to me by a tiny wizard. I usually fall asleep by the time I get to the third or fourth wish.

28. I have a hard time trusting people that drive overpriced cars.

29. I never wear lipstick because my lips are too thin

Dear Amelia,

Last week you turned three. When I woke you up on your birthday and whispered in your ear "Happy birthday", you immediately wanted to know where your cake was and when you friends where coming over. Also you told me that you were a bumblebee. "Today is my birthday and I am a bumblebee". Apparently you have gotten your birthday confused with Halloween, because on Halloween you will be a bee.

For me it is hard to believe that you have only been a part of our lives for three short years. It seems as if you have always been here with your wide open smile and chubby hands. At my ultra sound when the technician announced that you were a girl I was uncertain how I would manage after all the dirt, toy cars, and star wars toys I had been surrounded by during the pervious 4 years. "Is it really a girl?" I asked skeptically.

You have developed into the most perfect balance of tom boy and girly girly I have yet to encounter. You are drawn to pretty things and baby dolls but prefer princess Leia to any of the Disney princesses. You choose Thomas the train over strawberry shortcake, and would rather pour tea for the boy's plush yoda and pokemon toys over your own pink and purple stuffed bears. I adore that about you. I have yet to meet another person so intent on being adored. You don't just expect the adoration of those around you, you demand it. After I help you get dressed in the morning you pull at the legs of your brother's pants and shout " look at my dress, look at my shoes, isn't my hair pretty?" They know better then to disagree.

I think your brothers adore you most of all. The other day you ran into the edge of the table and your lip bleed a little. Your brothers went into panic mode. They were much more upset over the whole incident then you were. Jacob was a basket case, he actually cried because he thought you were severely injured. Andrew hugged you so tight I was afraid he might squeeze the very life out of you. It took much convincing for the boys to take my word for it that we did not need to take you to the hospital.

Lately you have been very extreme in all that you do. There is no middle emotion when it comes to you. You are either overjoyed or in the pits of utter despair. When you sing you don't just sing you belt out your words at almost a shriek and shake your little booty will moving your fists. It's quite a spectacle. I am afraid that you may have my rhythm. You will shout "LET"S SING THE ABC"S!!!" I may be losing a portion of my hearing due to all your enthusiasm. When you first wake up in the morning, you waddle down to the kitchen and shout "I am awake!" while throwing your arms up in the air as if you had just returned from the longest journey of your very short life. A few weeks ago I brought you home a plastic play kitchen. Your reaction was so intense that one would think It was solid gold and lined with diamonds. You obsessively play with it everyday and greet it as if it is a member of the family. For awhile you were calling your kitchen your birthday. You would grab me by the wrist and say "mom, let's go play with my birthday." I think there is still much confusion over what exactly a birthday is.

As we head into the three's with you I hope you remain the little firecracker that you have always been. I am expecting you to keep it interesting. I am looking forward to more adventures, more loud rendentions of Old McDonald, and baking hundreds of imaginary cookies on your pretend kitchen. I couldn't be more happy or proud to have you as a daughter. I love you!

Love,

Mom