Sunday, August 8, 2010

Aaron's brother is renting an apartment less than a block away from the beach home my dad died in.  I find it unsetteling.

 Tonight I attended a barbeque at his beach rental.  Aaron left with the kids beforehand so I could get some things around the house done.  When I arrived it was past seven and a parking spot was no where in sight.  I ended up parking a ways away and having to walk on the boardwalk that lines the bay. 

It was a walk I took daily back when my parents briefly lived there.  It's amazing the way sight and scent trigger memories.  My dad has been gone for nearly two years, yet I stillI have moments where the feeling of loss over his death is so sharp that it stuns me.  That't how I felt tonight.  

Oddly I couldn't stop myself from walking past Jesse's alley.  Before long I was standing in fornt of the condo where I had last seen my dad.  I was amazed that it still looked the same: Same gate, same patio table, same beige bucket used to wash the sand off ones feet. I half expeceted it to be gone completely.  I don't know if I can even put into words the way it felt to stand there.  I've stood in front of the condo before, only one time since my mom moved out of it.  This time it felt different.  This time all I could feel was anger. I'm trying to figure out way that is?    I couldn't help crying--right  there on the boardwalk in front of the "death condo" with bicyclist and dog walkers looking at me as if I had lost my mind. 

I don't cry often so it felt good ot get it out. 

Eventually I madecmy way to Jesse's. 

While I realize that his motivation in renting his apartmetn had everything to do with the location and nohting at all to do with making me feel bad I can't help but feel a little bit of resentment over it.  I know it's not right to be upset about it. Still, I wish he would awklowdge that the close proximity to my dad's place of death is a little a weird.

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