A case of the grumps

We have all been sick for the last few days. Everyone, that is, with the exception of Aaron who is out on a dive trip and Andrew who has the immune system of supernatural being. We could all be deathly ill and coughing all over his face and he would still be completely healthy. I think it may be his love of raw vegetables. I kept him out of school on Monday and Tuesday because I didn’t want to be driving back and forth with a car full of sick people. It was just an easier plan. He got all of his homework done and a ton of video game time in. Today I made him go back afterall he isn’t even sick, never was to begin with. He should be kissing my feet for those two free days he just had. Instead he is being a humongous sour puss about it. The fifteen minute drive to his school this morning was filled with grumblings and hostile comments. I was certain my ear lobes would bleed if I had to listen to him complain for a second longer.

When we got to the school he told me that he was absolutely not getting out of the car. I did a long exhale trying really hard not to completely lose my temper with him. “You need to get out of the car.” I told him in my most calm mom voice that I could muster. The kid didn’t budge and sat there with a smirk. I got out of the car in my dirty cut off sweat pants, braless, and with birds nest hair. I was quite the sight! I went to the passenger side to open the door. He locked it and stared calmly through his window. At that point I had passed my threshold of patience. I was livid. I started banging on the window and demanded that he open the door pronto. Meanwhile, there was a dad on the other side of the parking lot staring on in complete horror and shock. Andrew still didn't not open the door. I sprinted to the other side of the car. I opened my door just in time for him to hightail it out of the car slamming the door shut and making stink eyes at me. You are the meanest mom in the world, I saw him mouth. With that he stomped off in the direction of his calssroom. Unbelievable!

Currently I am dreaming up fantastic punishments for him. Ones that involve manual labor. I’m thinking toilet bowl scrubbing, laundry duty, and dog crap pick up.

Things that I want!

The kids in January

8 going on 16

sassy little Amelia

Jake

Smells like teen spirit

Aaron called me from the work the other day because he smelled like shit! Literally smelled of shit. I am not kidding. I guess the phone was busy when he called so he also sent me an e-mail. I read his e-mail at the exact moment I was in the middle of leaving an answering machine message on Emily's phone. Emily is the lady who lives down the street with whom I carpool the kids back and forth to school with. I laughed really loudly and very abruptly in mid sentence. I am sure it was awkward for her to listen to and confusing because I was all "I can pick Samuel up from hahahahaha, ummm.. sorry, I can get Samuel from school today." She might think I do drugs because I always have messy hair in the morning, am still wearing my pajamas, and reek of morning breath whenever she comes to get my kids. Also, she makes me nervous because she appears to be so perfect and put together. I always end up saying weird and random stuff to her. Is that the way drug addicts behave? Anyway, never again will I talk on the phone while reading e-mails.

Back to Aaron, his message was short and sweet "I smell like shit. Many people have commented on this at work today. I think either the dog or Amelia peed or pooped on my work pants. Please arrange to bring me some clothes." Embarrassing, too funny for words, and completely Bizarre. Two questions popped into my mind

1. How did he not notice a poo smell upon putting the clothes on ?
2. How could the dog or Amelia projectilely shit on clothing hanging up in his closet?

After an afternoon filled with phone tag we never got a hold of each other. He wore shit clothes all day and he was neither pleased nor happy when he returned home from work that evening. . He immediately changed and showered. He forced me to smell the clothes. I did not smell shit. It was perplexing. The night while we were both lying in bed reading, he turned in my general direction to ask me a question. That's when I smelled it. It was terrible!
"I smell it! It's you! It's not the clothes!"
This did not make him happy. Because no one wants to hear that they smell shit. Especially a grown man!
"I'm positive it's your breath!" What did you eat today!!!!!? It's really, really terrible. I recommend downing some mouth wash."

My comments did not go over well. HE was pissed! Not only that but he insisted that I was joking. He thinks that everything I say is meant to be a joke. This was no joke. The shit smell was coming from his mouth. So gross and so funny!

This happened a couple of weeks ago and he still strongly believes that Amelia some how pooped on his pants, which I believe to be a much more disgusting explanation then burrito breath. Also, wouldn't there be a stain along with the smell. It jsut doesn't make sense! I have recommend that he no longer eat the breakfast burritos prepared in the cafeteria at his work. He still thinks I am kidding and will routinely sniff his clothing before putting them on in the morning. I don't think he will ever live this one down!

29 things

Today is my birthday! I think turning 29 might be worse then turning thirty. On your thirtieth people know better then to be all "wow your getting old!" When you're 29 everyone is all "you'll never be 20 again, now your really getting up there, Enjoy your very last year of being young!" Sometimes people are assholes, including me! I am totally guilty of doing the very same thing! I am actually okay with the death of my twenties. I am happy with where I am and who I am and look forward to the knowledge and maturity that age brings me! In celebration of my birthday here is a long and senseless list of 29 things you may or may not know about me.

1. I am the youngest of three. My brother Roger is 32 and my sister Michelle is 30. It disturbs me to realize that my parents must've had a lot of sex to pop out that many babies in such a short amount of time.

2. I have always believed that I would die young (morbid I know)

3. When I was 15 I worked at a home for elderly nuns and one of them tried to make out with me, it was one of the most appalling moments of my life. In her defense she suffered from Alzheimer's and was highly delusional

4. I am insanely afraid of birds especially crows all as a result of a very traumatic bird incident that involved a bird dying a bloody death on a table at a Mexican restaurant I was eating at with my family. I think I was about 5 or 6 at the time. The bird flew in through an open door and tried to escape through the glass window near our table only to break its neck and land twitching on our food.

5. I shared a bag of mushrooms with a friend at the prom and spent half an hour in the bathroom laughing at the way the water was coming out of the faucet, as a result I got water stains all over my pretty dress and looked stupid the rest of the night.

6. I was the only girl who knew how to skateboard in elementary school.

7. I was on the tennis team at my catholic high school

8. My all time favorite meal is chili topped with cheese and sour cream

9. No matter how hard I try I can;t stop biting my nails

10. I didn't start eating breakfast until I was in my twenties

11. My parents were the kind of parents that were never home so I was free to do basically whatever I wanted.

12. I think my so called life, arrested development, and pushing daisies are the greatest television shows ever created

13. I love poetry

14. I dream of moving back to my hometown, western springs, and raising my family there. Aaron hates Chicago so it'll never happen!

15. My original hair color is a disgusting dishwater color

16. My first boyfriend in junior high broke up with me for being a prude

17. I used to be a Phish fan and at the age of 18 followed them across the west coast in a conversion van with 8 other people. Riding along with me was the first boy that ever broke my heart. He ignored me basically the entire trip.

18. I have always kept a dairy or a journal and have stacks of them dating back form the time I was 8 years old.

19. I think my husband is the most adorable man I have ever seen. The first time I ever saw him was through a car window. My sister pointed him out to me and said "that's Aaron Braun; I think you two would get along." A few months later I was introduced to him through a friend and we have been together ever since

20. Nothing pisses me off more then being called sweetie or honey

21. I have an overactive imagination that gets in the way of my life

22. My dog has one freakishly long nipple that I would like to get removed but fear that I will look completely shallow if I take my dog to the vet for a boob job.

23. my bedroom is always filthy

24. At Christmas my wrapping paper has to be color coordinating. If someone sends a wrapped gift I have to rewrap it so that it matches my color scheme

25. Platypuses and dogs are my favorite animals

26. As a kid I wanted to be a waitress when I grew up because I believed in dreaming big! I actaully also wanted to be either an actress or an artist

27. If I have a hard time falling asleep at night instead of counting sheep, I pretend that I have 10 wishes that have been granted to me by a tiny wizard. I usually fall asleep by the time I get to the third or fourth wish.

28. I have a hard time trusting people that drive overpriced cars.

29. I never wear lipstick because my lips are too thin

Make believe camping

Over the summer Aaron reserved a camping spot at san elijo for us to spend the weekend before Christmas frolicking on the beach and making s'mores. He forgot that we have spent the last nine years of our lives living in southern California and that 50 degree weather is freezing cold weather to us now. Needless to say we did not sleep there. We did however lug all of our camping crap there and proceeded to pretend like we were camping. Here are some photo's:

That's sand on her butt not poo!

Christmas time in SoCal

Ankle arms

Amelia has decided that she no longer has the need for elbows. Their very existence causes her an overwhelming amount of stress. We avoid using the word elbow at all costs!


Just a few days ago, after Andrew finished his mound of homework, I treated the kids with a pay per-view movie. While Amelia was balanced quite freakishly on my knees she noticed them, and by them I mean the elbows. I think their sharpness is was what put her off. She kept touching them and making a dissatisfied face.


"I don't want these!' she declared


"You don't want what?" I asked


"These!" She said looking at me as if I were the biggest idiot she had ever had the misfortune of dealing with


"Your arms?" I asked


"Nooooo!" she said getting annoyed "These, my… my… ankles."



The boys being the boys that they are, and getting immense pleasure out of anything hilarious and outlandish, of course found the idea of Amelia thinking her elbows were ankles endlessly hilarious. It was a little funny...at first!

"Her ankles!" Jacob yelped. "Amelia has feet for arms and arms for feet! She's a weirdo! Maybe she's from space. "Andrew, Amelia is from space! She has ankle arms!'

I thought he would pee himself by the way he was carrying on and on about how funny that was. Who needs a $3 pay per view movie when you can be entertained by a sister with ankle arms?


Amelia was not laughing, nothing about her ankles were funny! She was actually bitterly sobbing over their existence.


"Those are your elbows Amelia. Ankles are down here." I said pointing down to were her ankles really are


"I don't want elbows, get rid of them!"


"Everyone has elbows Amelia; you need them to move your arm."


"Get rid of them momeeee, I don't want them"


This is when I realized that no reasonable explanation was going to do. Clearly I was dealing with an ankle armed outer space child. For the next two hours she would randomly check if her elbows were still there. She would slowly inch her fingers in their direction and finally touch them. Upon realizing that they had not gone anywhere she would completely lose it.



"They are still here!" She would shout in total dismay "take them off me!"


Finally I came up with the genius idea of putting her in long sleeves. After pulling the shirt down over her belly she did an elbow check.


"They're gone!' She shouted with such enthusiasm that you would of thought for sure that the most exciting and magical moment in her life had just occurred

"mommy my elbows went away."


I didn't dare explain that her elbows were hiding out under her sleeves because sometimes it's nice to have peace and quite!