mystery film

I found an old roll of film hidden in the back of our file cabinet a while back. For some reason i was convinced that the roll held pictures of my dad. I don't know why I thought that, wishful thinking perhaps.

I've held on to this film for months, waiting for the moment that I could handle seeing the face of my dad during some forgotten moment. I imagined glossy photos of him in the backyard, or at the park pushing Amelia on the swings.

Last week I dropped the roll off to be developed. I waited two whole days to retrieve them. When I opened the envelope up I was bombarded with 24 photos from a camping trip Aaron, the kids, and I took to Big Sur. I loved that trip. We saw two condors, a stag, and a whale all in one weekend. I love the flawless beauty of Big Sur and the excitement of my kids when they hang out in nature. Still I was heart broken. I wanted 24 photos of my dad, the healthy dad who tilted his head back at the kitchen table to laugh over Andrew and Jacob's antics.

Oddly, leafing through those pictures may have been harder then attending my dads funeral. It's funny the way things effect me.

Here are some of the pictures, which despite the sadness I adore!